IAMA Cheating Husband – Confession of a Man Struggling with Loneliness and Desire

 

I’ve been married to my wife for 18 years, and we have four children ranging from 14 to 2. About 8 months ago, I started feeling very isolated and disconnected. I shared these feelings with my wife immediately.

A couple of months later, I found myself developing feelings for someone at work. We spent a lot of time together, and slowly, love blossomed. I never intended to cheat, but I kept rationalizing it. I told myself I was just testing the waters to see if this new relationship could fill the emotional void I was feeling. It didn’t start out as an affair, but eventually, that’s exactly what it became.

Even though I kept telling myself I’d stop, it didn’t happen. I couldn’t help it. I was craving the connection I wasn’t getting at home. I hid the affair, convinced that if I kept looking for something wrong, I would find a reason to end it. But I didn’t.

I love my family. My identity is tied to being a father and a husband. I know I should have ended my marriage before I sought out another relationship. But I never could bring myself to. The truth is, everything in my life was amazing except for one thing—our sex life.

In 18 years of marriage, my wife has never initiated sex. When we do have sex, it feels like something she’s just “letting” me do rather than us actually connecting. Over time, I told myself that sex wasn’t the most important thing, but as I approach 40 (I’m 39), I’m starting to get angrier about the fact that I never got to experience that human connection—to feel desired and to make love with someone who wanted me just as much.

Two months ago, my wife discovered the affair, and I ended things with my coworker. Now, we live in separate rooms. We are co-parents and housemates, and we’ve been attending therapy twice a week. But right now, it doesn’t seem like we’ll stay together. She doesn’t believe we can resolve our differences, and, understandably, she’s hurt. She doesn’t trust me anymore, and she’s asked me to move out while we work out the details.

I know I’m going to be judged harshly for this. I feel like a monster. To those who think “once a cheater, always a cheater,” I’ve never cheated before, and I don’t think I ever will again. All I ever wanted as a kid was to have a loving wife and children. I never imagined I’d end up here.

I’m sharing this because I have no one else to talk to. I’m looking for honest feedback. If I felt disconnected before the affair, I feel even more disconnected now.

Ask me anything.