I suspect my boyfriend finds my body repulsive.

 

I suspect my boyfriend finds my body repulsive, or at least some parts of it.

I (37f) began dating my bf (m45) around 7 months ago. He’s gentle and caring with a tranquil aura that calms my nerves. I hold strong feelings for him, but there are these small things that make me doubt his attraction to me, making me feel as if I repulse him (which is tough when you struggle with body image). I’m a larger woman at 5ft tall, weighing roughly 220, which contributes to my body image concerns. Anyway, our intimate moments leave me feeling a certain way. It’s always him simply removing his pants and signaling for oral pleasure, and after about 10 minutes or so, he’ll ask me to position myself. I get roughly 5 minutes of that (which I appreciate, but like many women, it doesn’t quite lead me to where I want to be), then he turns me around to finish orally. Always from behind, and on the rare occasion I manage to catch a glimpse of him, he’s always looking away. One day, the topic of me receiving oral came up, and he seemed utterly revolted by the idea. He mentioned he doesn’t enjoy that because blood can come from there (as if urine doesn’t come from him). Additionally, I’ve had a hysterectomy, and mine hasn’t bled in years. There was a discussion about him and his ex having a threesome (which I tried to stop him from recounting multiple times); he enjoys watching other girls do that with each other, but it’s evidently not something he’ll do with me. Then there was a night when I was at his place and couldn’t sleep, so I took my little device (think rose but different shape) to the couch and rested there afterward. He came over the next day and used a washcloth to pick it up, then wrapped it in tissue paper from a package I had just opened. We encountered an issue once where he claimed he didn’t tongue kiss me because it’s “too intimate.” I felt upset, and we discussed it; he kissed me like 2 times afterward. All quick pecks since then. Last week I felt down and needed reassurance, and he said, “I fuckwitchu,” now trying to convince me that's some sort of profound emotional declaration for him. While I may be white, I’ve spent enough time around people who speak that way to understand precisely what it implies, and that’s not something partners say. I don’t know what to do; I can’t remain in a relationship that makes me feel ugly and repugnant, but I truly like him and don’t want to walk away without addressing it (he usually attempts to resolve the things that trouble me); but even if it changes, will it feel forced? Will I constantly think he finds me repulsive? Is it because of my size? I’m bi, and I’ve given oral to larger women with only positive outcomes. I feel so disheartened and desperate… never in a million years did I think I’d turn to Reddit to explain why my bf won’t even touch me “there,” not even with his hands… in 7 months, he’s touched it three times, and that was only to assist in aim. Help… do I just walk away, or is it worth discussing?