AITA for refusing to let my brother walk me down the aisle after he abandoned me for years?

I (27F) am getting married in three months, and what should’ve been one of the happiest times of my life has turned into a full-blown family war.

For context, my older brother “Ryan” (35M) basically disappeared from my life when I was 14.

Our dad died suddenly from a heart attack, and everything in our family fell apart after that. My mom became depressed, money got tight, and Ryan — who had always acted like the “golden child” — moved out almost immediately after turning 22.

At first he promised he’d still help us. He told me, “You can call me anytime.” He swore he’d visit every week.

That lasted maybe two months.

After that? Nothing.

Birthdays forgotten. Holidays skipped. Messages left on read for weeks. Sometimes months.

Meanwhile, I was helping my mom pay bills while still in high school. I worked weekends at a diner at 16 because the electricity in our apartment literally got shut off once.

Do you know how humiliating it is doing homework by flashlight because your family can’t afford utilities?

Ryan knew all of this.

He just… didn’t care.

The worst part was seeing him online living this perfect life. Vacations. Concerts. New cars. Fancy apartments. He got married in Italy at one point. ITALY.

I wasn’t even invited.

Not even a courtesy invite.

I found out through Facebook photos.

I cried for hours that night because it finally hit me that I didn’t actually have a brother anymore.

Eventually, I stopped trying.

Over the years, my mom kept defending him with excuses like:

“He’s busy.”

“He struggles emotionally.”

“You know he has commitment issues.”

Meanwhile, I was the one taking her to doctor appointments and helping with rent.

Fast forward to now.

I met the love of my life, Daniel (29M), three years ago. He’s kind, patient, and honestly the first person who ever made me feel truly chosen. When he proposed last winter, I was over the moon.

Because my dad passed away, one of the first questions people asked was:

“So who’s walking you down the aisle?”

And immediately, everyone assumed Ryan.

Here’s the thing though:

Why would the man who abandoned me get the honor of standing beside me during one of the biggest moments of my life?

The person who actually supported me growing up was my grandfather. He helped buy my school supplies. He came to every graduation. He taught me how to drive.

So I asked Grandpa instead.

He cried when I told him.

I cried too.

It felt perfect.

Apparently, Ryan didn’t think so.

Last Sunday we had a family dinner where my mom casually brought up wedding plans. She mentioned Grandpa walking me down the aisle, and Ryan suddenly went quiet.

Then he asked:

“Wait… seriously?”

I said yes.

He laughed — but in that angry, disbelieving way people laugh when they’re insulted.

Then he said:

“So your deadbeat grandfather gets my place?”

I honestly saw red.

First of all, my grandfather is NOT a deadbeat. Second, “his place”??? As if he had earned some automatic right after barely speaking to me for over a decade?

I told him calmly:

“You stopped being my family a long time ago.”

The table went SILENT.

Ryan immediately stood up and started yelling that I was being cruel and “punishing him forever” for “needing space” when he was younger.

But needing space for 13 YEARS?

Come on.

Then my mom started crying and begging me not to “tear the family apart” before the wedding.

Ryan said if Grandpa walks me down the aisle, he won’t attend the wedding at all.

And I said:

“Okay.”

That apparently made everything worse.

Now half my relatives are calling me heartless because “people grow and change.” My aunt told me weddings are about “forgiveness.” Even my cousin said I’m humiliating Ryan publicly by not giving him a role in the ceremony.

But honestly, I feel like everyone’s ignoring one important thing:

Ryan never apologized.

Not once.

Not for missing birthdays.

Not for ignoring me after Dad died.

Not for excluding me from his wedding.

Not for disappearing during the hardest years of my life.

He just showed up one day expecting the title of “big brother” back without doing any of the work that comes with it.

And now I’m wondering if I’m being stubborn or if I’m finally standing up for myself for the first time in my life.

So… AITA?