AITA for being realistic with our son about his finances before he applies to college?

 

My wife and I have four kids. Our oldest is wrapping up junior year and preparing to apply to colleges this fall. He’s a fantastic student, currently ranked third in his class and hoping to bump that to second before graduation. He’s maxed out on AP courses, has a perfect GPA, stellar test scores, a ton of volunteer hours at the animal shelter, and even created and presides over an animal science club at his school. He’s also in the honor society, participates in the spring musical, runs track, and does marching band. He’s truly a dream applicant.

But we’re in a tricky spot. We’re making too much for financial aid but not enough to pay out of pocket for a private or elite education. His dream school is expensive, and we don’t expect to receive much aid. I’ve been trying to have the conversation with my wife that we need to be realistic with him about finances before he applies. I think his best options right now are to consider our state school (which he doesn’t want to go to but is willing to apply to) or schools that offer merit aid based on his stellar grades and test scores. We’ve found several schools that would give him nearly full tuition, but my wife disagrees.

She thinks that by telling him this now, we’re crushing his dreams before they even start. She wants to let him apply to all the schools he loves and then figure out the finances afterward. My argument is that we have three more kids to put through college, and figuring it out for him could make it harder for them in the future. We need to be transparent with him about what we can afford and what’s realistic.

I think we should lay it out for him—show him what we can and can’t afford so he knows where he stands before applying. My wife thinks he’s worked so hard and that we shouldn’t take away his dreams by being too practical. She says, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way,” and that somehow we’ll make it work. But I’m not sure we can stretch it that thin.

My son wants to pursue a PhD or become a veterinarian, so he’ll need more education after this too, which makes me even more cautious about spending too much on undergrad.

Edit: To clarify, his dream school doesn’t offer merit scholarships (or athletic scholarships) and only offers need-based aid, which we won’t qualify for.

Edit 2: Since this has come up a few times, yes, we make over $200k. We didn’t until recently—my wife was a stay-at-home mom for six years, and I got an unexpected promotion at work after my boss retired. My salary increased by about $40k, and my wife’s has gone up around $10k in the last 5-10 years. We’ve saved for college, but with four kids in a high cost-of-living area, we don’t have enough to cover 90-100k per year for each of them at their dream schools.

So, AITA for wanting to be realistic with our son about what’s feasible, or is my wife right that we shouldn’t limit his options this early?